The Light

Okay pals, time to get to know more about me than ever before on this lil blog of mine. Posting this literally terrifies me but I’m sharing my testimony in front of tons of people in two weeks so now isn’t the time to be scared about being open. So here we go.

I have struggled with depression for a while now. It’s gotten more in control – sure – but it also still is this heavy force that sometimes makes me feel like I’m drowning. It still sometimes makes me feel guilty for having a good time and it still sometimes goes on and on and doesn’t seem like it’ll ever end. Most times, I feel helpless at best.

I shake.

I can’t see straight.

I feel entirely not myself.

When I get into those little episodes, everything becomes way too real. Anything I think of, any fears or worries or bad thoughts, feel like they’re happening at that very moment. The worst part is, a lot of the time I’m too far into that horrible day dream to realize that’s all it is. And somehow, if I manage to get calm enough to pray, everything realigns.

Most of those prayers go something like,

“Hey God, I don’t really understand what’s happening in my head right now but if you could help remind me to walk in the light, Your light, that’d be awesome. Amen.”

It’s a lot easier to get caught up in that kind of a feeling than to rest in prayer, to rest in something that is actually there.

When I actually calm myself down enough to pray – here are some things that I realized:

⁃ none of it is real

⁃ this overwhelming sadness isn’t something that comes from God

⁃ Satan shouldn’t be able to grip so easily

⁃ there are people who love me, people who want to see me happy — and I shouldn’t feel guilty for that

⁃ there are so many better things to do than be sad

Maybe this isn’t that relatable, and I’m sorry if it isn’t – but there are so many beautiful things to love about life, and getting caught up in these walls of sadness and lack of faith in God’s plan isn’t worth it. So here’s a few verses I come back to when I’m trying to get out of those feelings.

Matthew 6:34

Philippians 4:6

Luke 1:45

Psalm 33:18

Job 33:28

If you’ve somehow stayed on this long enough to get to this point, I’m going to leave ya with this,

Jesus works. 
Even when it 100% feels like your life is falling into a million pieces and you don’t know what the heck you’re doing with it – there’s someone who knows exactly what you need (& that someone is God. Hah!).This quote has been hanging on my bedroom wall for years now and it’s the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night. Things can get sad, I’m not going to lie and say that everything will always feel okay when you have a God this great. There are trials and darkness and a lot of fear and worry – but He is so much greater than all of that.

“Worry implies that we don’t quite trust God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives.

Stress says the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace towards others, or our tight grip of control.

Basically, these two behaviors communicate that it’s okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional. Both worry and stress reek of arrogance. They declare our tendency to forget that we’ve been forgiven, that our lives are brief … and that in the context of God’s strength, our problems are small, indeed.”-Francis C.

Always with love,

Elle

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