I’ve spent the past 5 days with minimal phone service, my two best friends, and a camera to document our adventures. These 5 days have, thinking back about it, given me an opportunity to figure out a lot of things in my life that were formerly just answered with big ‘ole question marks. If you were to read through my prayer journal, almost every prayer since January 5th has been in some way or another asking the Lord to show me why something has happened. Last week, some more things came up in my family that once again had the same, fat question mark as their answer. But sitting on the floor of our little house in Estes Park, surrounded by saltwater taffy, the Bible pages began turning. We found verse after verse, all asking “why are you doubting His plans?”
“Why do you think you know better than the Maker of the Universe?”
“What good is fear doing?”
And again, the only thing I could answer was a ginormous question mark because, in all honesty, why was I doing that?
I spent that night curled up onto my pull-out couch rereading through my prayers and I found something. Every single time I had asked God to provide clarity, He did. It may have been months later and I may have gone through some pretty bad stuff in that time, but in the end, He answered my prayer. Trust me, I want to know what the future holds with every ounce of my being. So many times I find myself trying to decide what my future holds, trying to plan on things over the next year that I cannot be positive will happen, but in Matthew 6 it says,
“Do not be anxious for tomorrow, for each day will have enough troubles for itself.”
And I can honestly write to whoever reads this that I am not worried about what will happen tomorrow. I’m not scared that each turn will end up being too much for me to handle and end in me having an anxiety attack because He answers my prayers.
Last year, I had a counselor at camp who made the words “steadfast love” incredibly living to me. A lot of times when I thought about God’s love I was comparing it to the fleeting kind of human love that would eventually fail and shatter, but Kelsey’s description of His steadfast love has been sticking in my head a lot lately. His love is constant, it isn’t leaving and it is perfect. We don’t need to worry about disappointing His because He already knows everything we have done and everything that we ever will. Steadfast love has been sticking out to me everywhere for the past few days. In Psalms 94, it says,
“When I thought, ‘My foot slips,’ your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up.”
9 chapters later, His word says,
“For as high as the heavens are above the earth so great is his steadfast love towards those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.”
And yesterday, standing under a waterfall and screaming with my favorite people about how cold the water was and letting go of absolutely everything, it felt like every little thing that was weighing on me melted away. If you’ve seen/read Perks of Being a Wallflower, you know the part where Charlie writes how he feels infinite. And I can say that I knew exactly what he meant.