Over the past two weeks, I have been doing a lot of decluttering of my heart and a lot of figuring stuff out, which led up to a serious reassessment of my mindset. Night after night, I was poured into about what was truly sitting on the throne of my heart. And as much as I do not want to admit it – it was not the Lord.
While my life felt like an unstable mess, I ran to anything that I could that had any potential to be stable. I threw myself at guys, I broke my heart over things not working out perfectly, I lied to myself and convinced myself that I was entirely alone. No matter what I ran to or what temporarily filled me up, I was still left feeling broken and empty with no motivation to try to get better.
For weeks on end, my anxiety was crippling. I physically could not get out of bed some days and the ones that I managed to were filled with me restraining tears and shaking. I lost myself and I became a hollow shell of the person that my sweet friends and I knew I once was. And somehow over the past 14 days, the Lord pulled me out of that dark place, and I never want to turn back. I felt so far below the water, my anxieties were drowning me and I was so low I did not think anyone could reach me, but He did. He pulled me out of the deepest waters and placed me on something solid – His unconditional love. He fills me up in places that have felt empty and weighed by my shortcomings for so long that I do not remember what it was like feeling full in. And finally knowing that somehow every little thing that does not make sense to me right now will end up okay is better than I can put into words. A physical weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
Over the past year, all that I wanted was to feel like someone was there, and now I know that He is. I know that the battle is already so far won and that He has me gripped so firmly, I am not going to let go of that.
For those of you who (like me) struggle with trusting that everything will work out, here’s a few verses that I found over the past 2 weeks that helped me realize that it is all more than okay.
1 Samuel 17:27
Psalm 34:15, 55:22,62:5-8, 139:15-16
Jeremiah 29:11, 32:40
Romans 5:2-8, 8:31
Ephesians 3:20, 5:14-20
2 Timothy 3:16
1 Peter 4:12-13