I have a really hard time with not feeling “enough”. I have said it before and I am completely accepting of the sad truth that a lot of the time I do not love myself in the way that I should. I constantly find myself seeking reassurance in my “enoughness” from everyone else. I want a boyfriend who will text me out of the blue and remind me that I am loved and beautiful. I look for friends who want my advice and assure me of how glad they are to have me in their lives. I want teachers to look at my work and say, “Wow! Elle is the best student I ever had and ever will get,”. Pretty much – I do not just want to know that I am enough, I want to be more than enough. But this is a human desire from a deeply flawed human. In a song by Bleachers, they say,
I didn’t know I was broken until I wanted to change
So here I am – desperately wanting to change and feel enough without the assurance of another person. I am broken, but so ready to change and be filled.
To those of you who feel like fall short time after time, ending up empty and broken, this one is for you.
I am the kind of person who believes that others expect more from me than they actually do. The other day, I had a breakdown to one of my friends that was something like, “I am not as smart as my parents expect me to be. I am not as happy as I feel like I am expected to be. I am not as faith-oriented as my blog readers think that I am. All in all – I fall short of every single expectation people have for me.”
And his response was, “Elle, you need Jesus.”
That’s it. All he said. And all I needed to hear.
You see, I am not trying to say that I am a complete liar – because that is nowhere close to what I am trying to get across. This is coming from me being human, and wanting so badly to achieve inhuman things. I have lost sight of what is the truth in an effort to make myself feel “safe”. I have built up walls and chosen to give parts of myself away to people that did not want it – all in the desperate attempt to feel safe and complete.
But I need Jesus.
Not another person. Not solitude. In the end, these will all leave me feeling alone and craving more.
And I have felt like that a lot lately and trust me – it is not a good feeling. Maybe you are like me, completely lost in the desire of security and assurance of being “enough”. Here is the thing, putting your worth in another person is a lot like walking on those bushes that look solid. (Stay with me, because this is actually a really accurate description of my thought process). Okay, so have you ever seen those bushes that are cut across so perfectly that they look as if you could stand on them? But if you ever actually stood on those bushes, you would fall. You would get hurt. No bueno. And we, being the deeply flawed humans that we are, do this to ourselves whether we intend to or not. We find someone that intrigues us or that means the world to us, then we jump wholeheartedly into their life, expecting them to be ready and willing to catch us. Other people do not want the weight of another person’s self worth and happiness to depend solely on them, and eventually you will be dropped onto the ground, right where you were trying to avoid. Ouch. It is not a selfish thing on their part, it was never their job to become your happiness, your security. In short, people are going to hurt you. They will let you down – and they should not feel bad about it.
Our self worth should not depend on whether or not someone tells you how badly they want you in their life. In a beautiful post by Grace Valentine, she wrote,
Falling in love with God means you have to fall in love with the image of Him in the mirror you see.
Because we have this wonderful Lord who handcrafted us until He looked at us and said, “Now, they are close to perfect”. And He loves us just the way we are. Shouldn’t we love Him in that way too?
So to all of you who feel like you are falling too short, never being enough, take a moment to realize how loved you truly are. And if you need a few words of encouragement or just a friend to talk to, shoot an email over to firstname.lastname@example.org