Dear Flawed & Fearful,
I understand you. In fact, I understand you way too well, probably more than you might guess. I know that horrible feeling of never adding up to enough, of always feeling like you could do better – but you cannot figure out how. It is horrible, that sinking feeling when everything goes wrong. When no matter how many times someone tells you that it is not your fault, you find a way to convince yourself it is. Where you keep trying to fix something that you simply – cannot. When it feels as if there is nothing left and no one to turn to and you get faced with the simple question, “What now?”
And a lot of times the “what now” is answered with a big, fat, “I do not know”.
And when you feel like the only thing that you can do is fail, it makes the future seem incredibly terrifying.
It is midnight. I am up, wide awake, thinking about everything that I have done wrong. I am thinking of all the times that I have failed so miserably in the past few weeks and thinking about how much the failures yet to come are going to hurt. I am thinking that this is not going to be the last time that I feel so overwhelmed that I cannot even start to think about going to school tomorrow.
A lot of times, I ask myself, “what now?” And I do not have the answer. Because to be honest, I have no idea what the heck I am doing. I am flawed and fearful and fail so many times that it is honestly embarrassing.
Flawed & Fearful,
It is alright to not know the answer to, “what now?”
It is okay to feel overwhelmed and it is okay to feel like you are in between two tough places. In a Mumford and Sons song, there’s the lyrics,
Sigh no more, no more
One foot in sea, one on shore
My heart was never pure
You know me
You know me
And, the Lord knows us. He knows that we are far too overly excited about little things and jump too quickly on opportunities we may not be ready for. He knows we are unbalanced and unstable and quite honestly – I do not think that he would want us any other way.
Dear Flawed & Fearful,
There is no way in knowing that everything is going to work out how we hope it will. A lot (LIKE A LOT) of people have told me lately that I just need to wait.
I hate that.
But here I am, trying to wait and trust that my life might not work out how I want it to, but might end up even better. Because I cannot even begin to think of what God has in store for me, for each one of us.
I just opened up my copy of Jesus Calling (if you don’t have one – now is the time to get it!) and here is what it says.
“Trusting me is a moment-by-moment choice. My people have not always understood this truth…Isn’t it often the same way with you? You trust me when things go well, when you see Me working on your behalf. This type of trust grows readily within you, requiring no exertion of your will. When things go wrong, your trust-flow slows down and solidifies.”
So, my fellow Flawed & Fearful, know this. Know you are not alone. Know that everyone (or at least as far as I am concerned) feels this way too. Know that the same Lord that brought great things to you, ones you could not even imagine, is the same Lord that will bring you through this period of darkness.
Do not fear the future, because even if it feels like one foot is in the water while the other is on solid ground, He is there and He will keep you from sinking.
Things are about to get so much brighter.