Painfully Un-Peaceful

Do you know that painfully un-peaceful feeling? The one that feels like everything is going wrong and it is out of your control and it is HORRIBLE. I know what it feels like. The constant waiting for everything to be peaceful and perfect, and they never seem to actually turn out in the way that we envision it. The Bible keeps talking about how the Lord bestows His peace on us and yet – I really have not felt it lately. So what’s the deal? Am I just destined to become un-peaceful? Did something in my genetic makeup just make it so that peace suddenly was unachievable? Or have I just been seeking peace in the completely wrong places? Have I simply become overwhelmed with the idea of finding peace and light that I have begun completely ignoring it?

You tell me.

I have been thinking a lot about peace, as a direct result of feeling incredibly (& painfully) un-peaceful.
What is it and why is it what we are constantly seeking?
I feel like peace is one of those things that we all speak about frequently but never truly explain what it is to us. I have been anything but at peace for the past few days and I am (quite honestly) so sick of it. And I am talking anxious, unable to eat, unfocused, and very irritable, kind of un-peaceful. I know it must be terrible for those around me to deal with, un-peacefulness is incredibly tiresome.

Now, my best friend decided she had a solution for our painful un-peacefulness.
Becoming calm and not getting worked up. About anything.
I thought she was kidding.
She was definitely not.
Guys, I am incredibly high-stress and do not particularly enjoy calming activities. I like busy-ness and movement and not having a second to stop. But hey, this un-peacefulness has been far too overwhelming, so what did I have to lose? I felt like it was time to explore what this peace meant for me – what peace looks like.

Peace is a moment, a feeling. It is the point you reach where everything else just fits perfectly. Maybe it is a person and the way their arms fit perfectly around you. Maybe peace is the way that a certain book’s words fall out until they blanket you in something that finally feels safe. Maybe peace is piled up under blankets with glow-in-the-dark stars painted on the ceiling and a Lana Del Rey record playing. Maybe it is finishing something you have been working on for a long time and it is as close to perfect as it could get. Maybe peace is that December night drive home when everything is blanketed in snow and the city lights are shining.

Life is not a strictly peaceful thing, despite how much I wish it was. We will be disappointed. We will be heartbroken.  We are human.  We are soft and alive. We bruise and we heal, it is what we were born to do. We will be anxious and struck down and feel broken to pieces but friends, we are not defeated.  Through these dark and disappointing seasons  you will begin to realize how incredibly capable you are, how many great things you can accomplish. Just listen to 2 Corinthians 4:9,

“Persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed”

Last night, I made a list of things that made it feel like I was lit up inside, instead of dwelling on all the darkness I try to hide. And I feel bright. I feel full when I am writing what has been cooped up inside for a long time, when I am walking and the stars are blanketing the sky. I feel brightness when I have a window open while it is raining.

And guess what?!

I do not do anything to feel that kind of fullness except being there.
No specific actions.
Nothing I have to say or do.
I just have to be.
I just have to rest in the Lord’s presence.
And there is NOTHING that is more reassuring than that.

Here is just a thought. Maybe we all just need to stop trying to seek peace when it is freely given to us, just perhaps not in the way that we are so accustomed to finding it. Maybe all we need to find peace is to simply look for the simple things that make us feel like everything else is going to be okay.
Because I have a pretty big hunch that our peace is a lot closer than it might seem.

with love,


2 thoughts on “Painfully Un-Peaceful

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