I hate change. I hate inconsistency. And most of all, I hate not knowing what’s coming next. My life has always been in these neat, little black and white boxes. and suddenly, it isn’t in those boxes anymore. Over the past few months, a lot has been changed for me. I’ve been asked to talk to people; therapists, strong Christians, and lots of others. And yet, I’m still left feeling a little empty, a little bit unsatisfied with the results. But there was something that one of these people told me stuck and it’s been on my mind a lot lately,
“You’ve been saying a lot of black and white things, but the world isn’t just black and white, it’s a lot of gray”
So here’s my letter to the Lord.
Here’s me-trying to figure out the gray.
I don’t always know what to do. Lately, everything that has changed just seems SO BIG and the world seems EVEN BIGGER. I’m honestly just starting to feel like I’m drowning. This constant balancing act of life is beginning to become so overwhelming. Lord, I want to know that everything is going to be aright. I want to know that the sun is going to rise tomorrow. I want to know who is in my life for the long run. I want to know everyone’s thoughts behind their actions.
Bottomline, I just want to know, God.
And I know that I simply can’t.
I understand that my small self can’t even begin to understand your reasonings. I can’t comprehend your ways, or even why other’s act the way that they do. But please, help me to be alright with the gray, keep me remembering that everything is going to work out the way that you want it to. Help me to keep heart, to keep faith, to stay strong through the über-foggy gray days. I can’t do this alone. Instead, I want to walk in your footsteps so that I’m seeing what you want me to see, that I’m hearing what you want me to hear, and speaking words that you want me to speak.
Lord, I want to thank you for showing me the way. For being patient and loving me even though I am entirely composed of flaws and rebellion from you. For dying for ME when you knew I was going to mess up over and over again and always fall short of the praise I so desperately want to be able to give you. You came here to save me when you knew I would stand here fighting to know things that maybe I don’t need to know at all.
In Isaiah 55 you tell me,
“Seek the Lord while he may be found; call upon him while he is near; let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; let him return to the Lord, that he may have compassion on him, and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon. For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
And your ways just aren’t ways that I’ll ever ever be able to get. You’re just this beautiful mystery and I’m just, well, me. God, I just want to look like your love. I know that a lot of the grays will stay gray and I might not ever get the answers I’m expecting but I want to look like your love.
I used to be afraid of things I couldn’t cover up In black and white…But I just wanna look more like love-Ben Rector
More than that, I apologize for constantly taking this world for granted. I’m sorry for thinking I can handle things on my own when I can’t. All of this world is yours-everything on it and in it.
Like David says in Psalm 8,
“how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens. Out of the mouth of babies and infants, you have established strength because of your foes, to still the enemy and the avenger. When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?..how majestic is your name in all the earth!”
God, take my wandering and constantly doubtful heart and renew it. Here I am, giving it all to you. I’m going to love and praise you and when I start straying, let me be drawn back in. I will only sing your praise, Lord. I am yours. I rebel and I mess up and I do things that I know aren’t what is right but I LOVE YOU. And I want to be closer. I want to run to you and love you more and more each day.
Make me completely and entirely yours.
Let me learn to love the gray.